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Top 10 Ways to Change Your Behavior Immediately #5: Use Curiosity

December 30, 2011 By 1 Comment

The most natural thing in the world is to get stuck in our usual patterns.  We do the same thing day in and day out and it becomes a habit, it feels incredibly easy or maybe even right to take the same action.  Each time we follow the path of least resistance we create a slightly deeper mental groove, which makes the next iteration even more difficult to escape.

It is time to break the pattern.  Take a deep breath and change your context.  Now, I want you to look at your situation with fresh eyes.  Forget for a moment everything you think you know – pretend you are an alien who has just been dropped into your body here on Earth.  Be curious about yourself, your reactions, what you are trying to accomplish and why.  You need to find out more information about the situation, so start listing a bunch of questions that you would need to answer to be able to make the best decision.  Write as many questions as you can before you start trying to answer any of them.  The purpose is to explore as much as possible before proposing any of your usual solutions!

Genuine curiosity is an incredibly powerful state because it is so open to new possibilities.  By asking all of these questions and wanting to know the answer, you have engaged your subconscious mind in gathering information.  Now that you have done this, imagine the outcome that you want in as much detail as possible, including any pictures, sounds, words or sensations you want to be experiencing.  You will begin to notice that ideas are spontaneously coming to mind, that there are in fact a number of ways to achieve that particular goal.  Don’t reject any of them, no matter how absurd, and let your subconscious keep working.  One of these original ideas could be the brilliant alternative you’ve been looking for!  When one of them feels right, you will experience a natural surge of motivation to begin working on that solution.  Well done!

This is the fifth installment in a series of posts called Top 10 Ways to Change Your Behavior Immediately.

-William Ryan

Change can happen quickly.

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Top 10 Ways to Change Your Behavior Immediately #4: Change Context

December 28, 2011 By 1 Comment

There is no doubt that when we change the physical configuration of our body, there is a corresponding psychological change. Earlier I posted about smiling making you happier, even when you’re feeling down. Another example is non-verbal communication, the complex signaling that happens between people based entirely on posture, hand gestures, vocal tonality, and many other cues. Just in case you think I am overstating the power of this effect, it turns out that people systematically underestimate guesses when leaning to the left. That one even blew me away!

In addition to the position of our body, our environment also plays a very large role on our mental state. The color red has connotations of danger, and this has deep evolutionary roots. The difference in energy level between a bright room and a dark room is profound – find a dimmer switch and try this for yourself! Thanks to our incredibly plastic brains, we can build up associations between any two phenomena over time, and this includes places and mental states too. For example, one common piece of productivity advice is to have a separate work space and non-work space.

I am sure you see where this is going. When you want to change your behavior you need to change your mind, and you can always change your mind by changing either your body or the environment! Are you working on a laptop right now? Pick it up and move to another location! If you find yourself stuck in an unhelpful mental state, stand up immediately and go take a walk around the block. Focus on the sensations of your face and body, notice any tension you are holding there, and consciously relax all of those muscles until you are limp. When you are about to make a habitual decision – like opening that internet browser again – do something immediately to interrupt the usual pattern. Sit on the edge of your chair with your back straight to focus yourself on the task at hand.

The power of this technique is both immense and incredibly subtle. The smallest changes in your body can affect your mind, and on the margin this can make all the difference. Learn how your body responds and keep trying different interventions!

This is the fourth installment in a series of posts called Top 10 Ways to Change Your Behavior Immediately.

-William Ryan

Change can happen quickly.

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Top 10 Ways to Change Your Behavior Immediately #3: Connect with your Reasons

December 24, 2011 By 1 Comment

Here you are, locked up with internal conflict, unable to work and yet unable to play guilt-free.  Remember the old saying, it takes two to tango.  This conflict is inside of you, which means you are in the unique position to understand both sides of the argument – how often do we get that opportunity to help resolve a conflict??  The truth is, all of your parts have a positive intent for you (whether the other parts want to believe that or not).  Each of them are trying to get you something that is important to you, so keep this view in mind when you talk to both parties in this conflict.

First connect with the part of you that doesn’t want to be doing work.  What does this part want for you?  Allow the very first thought to come into your mind, whatever that thought is let it be.  The answer may surprise you.  Some parts want you to be happy, to play and have fun.  Some parts are trying to protect you: maybe they are worried you will do the task incorrectly, or maybe they think the task will not accomplish your goals.  Acknowledge what that part says and why that perspective is important to your life.  Maybe you can find a way to address this part’s concerns right there in the moment!

Now connect with the part of you that thinks you should be working.  There is some reason you want to complete this task, after all, and you will know you have gotten to that underlying reason when you express it using positive language.  For example, you might be tempted to say, “I need to work because otherwise my boss will fire me!”  While this may be true, it is hiding the implicit fact that you value something about having your job.  Instead this could look like, “I choose to work because I want to provide for myself and my family.”

Once you have identified the ultimate reason behind your actions, remember what connecting with that feels like: the picture you see in your head, any words you hear, the wonderful sensations in your body.  When you are finding yourself struggling to stay motivated, I want you to remember that place in full vivid detail, to remind yourself what it is that you care about and why you are doing this thing that seems difficult.  When you act from that place, your positive motivation flows naturally from your goals into your actions, and you will find the energy to do what needs to be done.

This is the third installment in a series of posts called Top 10 Ways to Change Your Behavior Immediately.

-William Ryan

Change can happen quickly.

 

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Positive Motivation Secret: Transform Guilt-producing Thoughts

November 24, 2011 By Leave a Comment

When you’re working on a project, do you have repetitive thoughts of the form:

  • “I know I should…”
  • “If I were really using my time well, I’d be…”
  • “Ugh. Why haven’t I already…?”

Thoughts where you remember tasks that you estimate would be worthwhile and feel guilt? Thoughts like the ones above are unlikely to motivate anyone, but one of my secrets to creating positive motivation is that such thoughts actually have quite a bit of potential! Breaking them down in the right way can transform them into positive motivation. The trick is to look at the sequence of mental representations.

(Training yourself to notice what’s going through your head is nontrivial—it happens fast, and most of us aren’t used to seeing it! But in my opinion it’s totally worth it. Not just for this technique, but for all sorts of self-hacking.)

I know this works because I’ve done it myself. Let me walk you through what I did. Here’s an example of a thought I’ve transformed:

“Ugh. I should have already done this work.”

So here’s the breakdown:

First, something must have triggered it. I’m not sure what that thing was. Then, I got an internal constructed visual image of me doing the work. Next, I heard an internal auditory commentary saying “Ugh, I should have already done this work,” in an unpleasant tone of voice. Finally, I got a kinesthetic sensation of guilt.

End result: It was more clear to me than ever that on some level I believed in to be in my interest to do the work. I felt worse. I didn’t want to do it.

But here’s the thing—the internal constructed visual image of me doing the work was actually motivational! My model of human psychology is that absent confounding factors, people generally feel motivated to do the stuff that they’re picturing themselves doing. I know I work like that.

Replaying the thought, piece by piece, seeing how I chose to follow the motivational image with verbal commentary that instead made me not even want to think about the task, let alone do it, was mind-altering.

Originally, I had conceived of the thought “Ugh, I should have already done this work,” as a mixed bag. On the one hand, it made me feel kind of bad, but on the other hand, at least it was reminding me about my important task.

Having broken it down, it was clear: I wanted to keep the image and leave out or change the words afterwards. I replayed it again, but this time changed it to:

Internal visual constructed image of me doing the work. Internal auditory commentary saying “Cool, I just felt motivated!”. Kinesthetic feeling of excitement and motivation.

End result: I wanted to accomplish the task more than I had before I had the thought!

The exact pattern of mental representations will be different for you, but the technique will work. Next time you find yourself feeling guilt about doing something, remember that if you look more closely, chances are you’re motivating yourself then punishing yourself for being motivated. Transform any thoughts you’re already having about whatever it is that you want to work on so that they motivate you, not demoralize you!

Has the transforming-by-breaking-down technique worked for you? Please leave a comment!

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Come this Sunday and Lean How to Beat Procrastination by Cultivating Positive Motivation

November 18, 2011 By Leave a Comment

This Sunday, Skullcrusher Household is presenting a three-hour class on beating procrastination by cultivating positive motivation.

When: 2:00-5:00pm

Where: 
850 Williams Way, Apt 4.
Mountain View, CA 94040

When you get here, you’ll see a blue garage door with a turtle on it. Go up the stairs to the left, pass the monkey-pony monster by the door, and come right in!

Last week at our IFS practice group we had a full-house of attendees, and there was one issue that was especially popular. Quite a few of the people who came independently picked it to address. It’s the same problem that has come up the most often with the clients I’ve worked with individually. Want to guess what it is?

Procrastination.

You know how it goes. You know what you’re supposed to do. What you should do. What you’d be the happiest if you did. Maybe you can imagine yourself doing it, making forward progress, and moving towards the outcomes you care about in your life. Or maybe you have an idea of the result you want, but you find yourself getting stuck when you try to sit down to start. It all still seems murky, and you can’t quite see how it would go.

Practicing regular procrastination is like having your very own choose-your-own-least-favorite-emotion adventure:

Frustration: You don’t understand why you can’t just do it. You know you want to do the thing—it’s important. You can hear yourself making excuses, feel yourself getting tired and bored, and none of it is helping!

Fear: It’s scary not to get work done. Maybe you’re worried about the consequences at your job (or school), or maybe you see that opportunities are passing you by. You’re starting to worry that it’ll be this way forever—that you’ll never be able to apply yourself to anything again.

Guilt: You feel like you’re letting other people down, and maybe you are. As the time passes you wish that you could go back and make it so you’d been working, but you haven’t been. You feel a painful pull when you realize that you’ve been breaking promises to yourself again and again.

Shame: “What’s wrong with me for acting like this?” You get a sick sense of dread when you think about someone finding out what you’ve actually been spending your time on. What would they think? What sort of person would act like that?

Maybe you’re feeling all of them. I know I have.

Because procrastination is widespread, the internet and bookstores are littered with advice about what to do. Make lists and don’t bother prioritizing, prioritize ruthlessly, set a timer, formalize the problem as this thing called akrasia, model it, and understand its nature, procrastinate more strategically, or just do it. There’s good material out there. And I would be willing to bet that diving headfirst into the literature about procrastination is usually just another way to procrastinate.

Overcoming procrastination is a big topic, and we can’t cover it all in one class, so we’re tackling one foundational chunk that you absolutely need to achieve your goal and have fun while doing it.

Cultivating Positive Motivation

Once you know that doing something is important, it’s tempting to frame the problem of getting yourself to do it in terms of self-discipline. But knowing that something is important is one thing. Being excited about it, drawn to it, thinking about how you can’t wait to work on it… that’s a different beast. You’re not looking to crank up your self-discipline, you’re looking to actually want, on a gut level—not in some abstract sense—to work on your project.

One of the most dangerous illusions you get from school is the idea that doing great things requires a lot of discipline. Most subjects are taught in such a boring way that it’s only by discipline that you can flog yourself through them. So I was surprised when, early in college, I read a quote by Wittgenstein saying that he had no self-discipline and had never been able to deny himself anything, not even a cup of coffee.
–Paul Graham

You want intrinsic motivation. That’s what works and lasts.

So, this Sunday, we’re going to lead you through a series of three exercises that will identify and multiply your own positive intrinsic motivation.

1. Future Self Guided Visualization

A cool hack for communicating with our best guess about how we’ll be when we’re older and wiser. And once you’re there, talking to your image of future self, you can get clearer on what it is you really care about having and why it’s important to you. I think of it as learning to talk to my CEV. This exercise will be led by Shannon Friedman.

2. Subgoal Creation

Once you’ve clarified your values, it’s time to retackle the project you’ve picked and break it down into actionable steps with realistic deadlines. Defining the right subgoals and choosing the right deadlines is somewhat of an art, so we’ll guide you through the process. This exercise will be led by Will Ryan.

3. Concretizing the Outcome

To get started and build momentum, use specific small steps and short-term deadlines. To keep your brain churning away at a project over time, you need a clear mental representation of your goal state backed by emotional power. We’ll show you how to ensure that your focus is in the right place. This exercise will be led by Divia Melwani.

Suggested donation is $20-30.

RSVP to divia.melwani@positivevector.com.

P.S. Since our last class, we have added a new instructor (roommate and collaborator), Adam Widmer, to our team. Until this past Monday, he was leading a weekly meetup in New York about rational self-improvement. He is a professional IFS practicioner. He’ll be there on Sunday, so you’ll get to meet him when you come!

 

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