From Bronnie Ware’s regrets of the dying:

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result. 

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win. 

 

When I express my feelings, I feel so much better.  I can feel my whole body relax. My forehead unfurls.  My shoulders relax and drop down.  I take a deep breath and release it.  So much better.  I have so much more capacity to deal with whatever life throws at me.

Before I learned how to express myself, I used to keep myself up for hours at night worrying and feeling resentful.  Now that I have practiced communicating and communicate much better, I have no problems falling asleep.  I also don’t have long standing emotional problems with people – I resolve my differences and move past them.  Its incredibly refreshing not to have interpersonal tension in my life.  Its night and day from how I was ten years ago, when I’d have all of these negative emotions pent up inside me and then would occasionally explode when they started to seep out.  I’m much happier now that I have the peace of mind of not worrying all the time, and I can devote that energy spent worrying to more fun and productive outlets.

Not only does expressing your emotions help you relax, it also helps you feel more love and compassion toward others.   When you’re filled with bitterness and resentment because you’re not expressing who you really are, it pushes aside the kind and loving feelings that you also have.  Its much easier to appreciate someone’s good qualities when you are not mad or annoyed at them.   Other people will feel more positively toward you if you approach them from a place of open heartedness, although it might take a little time for them to learn to trust you if you’ve had a difficult relationship with them beforehand.

One reason people don’t always express their emotions is that they worry about how their feelings will be received.  This is a legitimate concern.  My best recommendation for dealing with this is to learn nonviolent communication.   For serious and/or delicate situations, I recommend reading the book Nonviolent Communication, and having personal nonviolent communication counseling, which we provide at Positive Vector.

This post is part of the series: What to Do Before You Die.

-Shannon Friedman

Find your passion.