I was talking to a client today about values, and he said both that:

1. He assumed that his values came from his conscious, rational mind.
2. Values are what we use to make decisions.

When he voiced both statements side-by-side, his perspective shifted. He realized that he wasn’t consciously accessing his values when he made decisions, and that the ones he was using to make decisions might not quite be the same as the ones his conscious, rational mind had endorsed.

Values are what we consult to make decisions.

My client was right: values are what we use to make decisions. At least, those values are the ones I care about. On a large scale, values guide our life course, and on a moment-to-moment basis, we consult our values to make choices when we’re not sure what to do.

I believe my client was partly right about his first point, that values come from the conscious, rational mind. Experience with introspection tells me that we do make choices, usually in early childhood, about what matters to us. And I believe that it is within our power to remake those choices. But the values that ultimately matter are the values held by our subconscious mind, because it’s the one making almost all of our choices.

To consciously choose your values, get your subconscious mind on board. Hint: doing so is non-trivial, and you’ll know when you’ve done it because you’ve started making different choices.

Values are very important because whether you like it or not, your life is an expression of your values!

Not all values are created equal.

There are two types of values: “toward” values and “away-from” values.

“Toward” values are values that you are moving towards. They’re the things you want to have more of in your life. You want them because they make your life richer.

And somewhere in the back corner of your mind, where the internal representation of the value is stored as a concrete metaphor, what’s stored is a picture of what you want.

For me, fascination is a value that I move towards. I’m attracted to shiny ideas that make my understanding of the world click into place, and I can tell I’m getting closer because I feel fascinated.

“Away-from” values are values that you’re moving away from. They’re built on top of a fear of certain states of the world. You want them because not having seems awful, or even dangerous.

And somewhere in the back corner of your mind, where the internal representation of the value is stored as a concrete metaphor, what’s stored is a picture of what you don’t want. “Away-from” values come about from experiencing pain, usually in childhood, and seeking to avoid whatever caused it.

For me, “not feeling guilty” used to be one of my big “away-from” values. I might have called it “integrity”, but I mostly wanted it because I thought of guilt as this awful terrible thing that I would do anything to avoid. I was holding onto a handful of powerful memories of times when I did something I felt guilty about and seeking to avoid doing anything like that again.

“Ease” was another one for me, because somewhere in a back corner in my mind I was holding onto the belief that “hard work is torture.”

Distinguishing between “towards” and “away from” values can be subtle. I’ve given a basic overview in this post, but I’ll be writing more on that topic in the future, so if it didn’t quite click for you, stay tuned!

Get started figuring out your values today.

Write down a list of everything you think is important to you. Now is not the time to edit or second-guess yourself. If you think of it, include it.

Then, rank your list by going through every pair and asking, “If I could have one of these but not the other, which would I have?” And as you do this, you can start to prune your list and merge the ones that are really the same thing.

As you go through your day, making decisions, think about the list you’ve made. Are you being true to yourself with your choices?